I was 17 and still a virgin. I had my first proper girlfriend at 16. Diane was my first true love and I was absolutely mad about her. Well, you are when it's your 'first love'. She lived round the corner from my house, but if I stood on a table and looked out of my bedroom window I could see between the houses behind mine and see her front door. Our relationship consisted of us walking to and from school everyday, doing homework together once or twice a week, I would go round to hers on a Friday evening and we would listen to The Friday Rock Show on the radio and on Saturday evenings she would come round to mine and we would watch TV or listen to records in my bedroom. We kissed and held hands, but that was it. It was a very innocent relationship.
I remember the night she dumped me. We had been to a trendy club in Liverpool city centre on a double date with her best friend Christine and her boyfriend. I had been to clubs before but it was always Heavy Rock clubs with 3 or 4 male mates. Anyway I got all dressed up, which I hated and we went to this club that played awful disco music. I was in a right foul mood all night. When we got out of the taxi outside Diane's she dumped me. I can remember every word. Diane 'Going out with someone is meant to be fun. Tonight it was no fun at all. I am finishing with you' Then she said that immortal line 'But we can still be friends' I replied 'I have enough friends already. See you then' I was heartbroken. When you are dumped by your first love it is always a killer. We have never spoken since that night in 1980.
A year later I started seeing my 2nd girlfriend Barbara. My feelings for her were nothing compared to my feelings for Diane. Barb was OK. She was a very big girl (and I don't mean tall) and she liked rock. She introduced me to Judas Priest and Stackwaddy for which I am eternally grateful. Anyway Barb was sexually experienced, unlike me. After we had been seeing each other for a couple of months and we had partaken in some heavy petting on the couch in her front room, the chance to lose my virginity finally arose. My Mum and Dad went on holiday and left me to look after the house for 2 weeks.
The first Saturday they were away we went to a local pub so I could get some Dutch courage and a packet of condoms from the machine in the toilets. We then headed back to mine and straight up to my parent's bedroom. Well, they had a double bed and I was going to need plenty of bed space for all my love making skills! If you class slowly undressing the woman as 'foreplay', then the foreplay lasted about 30 mins. This was because she was wearing dungarees which I could not sexily remove her from and a bra I could not unhook. When she was finally naked my brain was screaming 'WOW! It's a naked woman!' but my face was trying to portray 'Yeah, she's naked. So what? It's nothing I haven't seen before' It most certainly was. I had never seen a naked woman before and I still do not think I have seen a woman with breasts as large as hers.
We slid under the sheets together and after 5 minutes of kissing and some groping I was standing to attention and ready to rock and roll! I got the packet of condoms out and ripped the foil off one of them. I then unravelled it and tried to put it on just like you would put a sock on your foot. Barb lay there with an increasingly shocked look on her face. After a couple of minutes of this unsuccessful condom fitting, I began to wilt and to feel very frustrated. Barb eventually asked me if I had ever worn a condom before. She did not know I was a virgin and I was not about to confess so I told her something like 'all the other girls were on the pill'. She spent 5 minutes 'stiffening me up' again and showed me how to put a condom on.
OK! Now I really was ready for action. I at the time thought that a penis was like a heatseeking missile. It just found the target immediately. This did not prove to be the case. It was getting pushed against her thigh, prodded against her ample stomach and then poked against her even more ample bottom. It was then she said the great line, ' This house has a front door and a back door. I would prefer it if you used the front door. You are trying to put it into the wrong hole' I realised it was going a lot nearer to her bottom than the intended area but I tried to cover for my niaivety by saying 'Wrong hole? Only if your arsehole IS the wronghole' (- what a charmer I was). She then threatened to cease our lovemaking unless I behaved. I was not going to be denied my great moment so I let her guide me in.
Oh my God! This is it! This is what I have waited for. I am having sex! It was one of the best 3 seconds of my life. She did not say 'Is that it' out loud but the look on her face did. I think I may have fallen asleep virtually straight after that but if I did, it will have been a very contented sleep. I do remember having alot of problems disposing of the condoms. I did not wrap them in tissue paper and just tried to flush them down the toilet. They filled up with water, floated to the surface and would not flush away. I fished them out a couple of days later and threw them in the bin. Barb and I split up shortly after that. She did not say that sexual frustration contributed to the split, but it may have been a contributing factor. Who knows?
